I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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