This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
