Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
how drunk are you?
Several
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
