i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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