Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
