Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
