Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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