I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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