I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
