My first STD was from a foam party
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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