You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
