he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
