No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
