i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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