He uses pillows to masturbate.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
