You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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