I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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