I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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