i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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