I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
