never play flip cup with pint glasses
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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