you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
