Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
