I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
