Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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