im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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