Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
