If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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