i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
