It's like God shit irony all over that family
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
