If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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