Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
