Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
