This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
