i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
