I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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