Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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