I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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