What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
