So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
