I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You ruined the universe
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
