Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
honey bunches of taint.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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