Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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