Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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