If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You can't just leave with hair like that
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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