Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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