I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
