you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
