I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
