Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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