no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think a kid would responsible me up
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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