It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
