Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
